Imagine You Could Be All You Wish To Be

On the distance between who you are and who you could become.

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Imagine you could be all that you wish to be.

The idea suggests something.

That there’s a space between who you are now and:

• a place you want to reach

• a person you want to become

• a thing you want to create

This space gives you two points of reference: the present and the imagined future.

Today I want to explore that space in between — through the state of my own project, and what it reveals about how we move from where we are to where we wish to be.

Is it not possible, after all, that you could be all that you wish to be?

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A SHORT WORD ON THE BACKSTORY

In last week’s Substack, I wrote about how I’d hit a low with my project. After doing a lot of the hard stuff:

• getting the album written & recorded

• releasing songs & videos

• gaining momentum

I hit a wall. I felt really blocked musically, didn’t play for three months and did everything with full commitment — except the project closest to my creative heart.

I’ve been documenting this album journey from the start as transparently as possible on YouTube and Substack.

At the peak moment of the block, I had a bit of a meltdown. I don’t need to go back into it, but I recorded the reckoning with myself in this video:

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THE POWER OF SELF-RECKONING

Since this reckoning, so much has shifted.

Not since I started the project have I felt such a deep connection to what it is I am trying to do — but more importantly, to the emotional life inside me informing that journey.

I have had many stages of stuckness in my creative life. In fact, every time something of significance has happened has been preceded by such a period.

Yes, it feels painful while in it.

Because everything in the modern world is berating you to be productive, to move forward, to get better, to be more.

But if you don’t hear the message contained in your own stuckness, you end up putting your ladder against the wrong wall.

In my case, I realise now that the block wasn’t just a block. It was my spirit railing against my own compulsion to move forward, to make moves, to hustle as an artist.

Often, because I’m juggling creative life with my working life, I will do whatever happens to be on the list for that day.

Somewhere along the line, I’d become so gobbled up in my weekly output that I had lost the whole bigger picture of what I am trying to do.

So the stuckness was saying, you’ve got to stop brother — there’s something you need to look at. The thing is, if you really don’t stop, you never let the right catch up with you.

I had a bit of a cry and allowed myself the gift of what, too often, fellas in their 40s never allow themselves to feel — vulnerable, unsure, and fragile.

I know this work is inner work and personal work. But the reason I’m trying to include the full arc of what I’m going through in this album is that all these cadences are what make us human. And for some reason, we’ve got to this absurd point in our society where we only show our strength, or project ourselves as experts or leaders.

That’s not the fucking reality of a creative life.

Everything has to be invited in. And in doing so, only then does something new emerge — that potential that I bang on about in every newsletter.

Because I goddam believe it in every person.

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NOT EXERTION, BUT SURRENDER

After this reckoning, I felt so deeply centred in myself. I had the courage to talk again with some loved ones about what had been going on, which felt really healing.

I could write about it. I didn’t have to avoid or pretend. That’s the crazy thing about times when you’re blocked. At some point, you have to move the stone. But you don’t do it through more more more.

Exertion isn’t the answer; surrender is.

It is this sense of surrender that allows you to sit with the very voices that had been tormenting you and to realise; they were trying to counsel you.

I realise now that a lot of the decisions I made in my time of block were preliminary conversations with myself.

As if I was readying myself for what I needed to do — and perhaps, for the challenge ahead too.

I’d given up drinking in September because it was clouding my ability to hear myself. And I’d returned to the gym because I wanted to better serve my creative energy.

I realise now that these decisions were my spirit priming itself for what I need to do creatively. Walking out of the gym, it was the most splendid day. A squadron of pigeons darted across the azure sky and Autumn was at its crescendo.

Once again, I was within life’s heart, and ready for what lay ahead.

I understood it all. I understood Pablo. I understood Mozart, and somewhere behind me I heard his ghastly laughter. I knew that all the hundred thousand pieces of life’s game were in my pocket. A glimpse of its meaning had stirred my reason and I was determined to play a new hand at the game. I would sample its tortures once more and shudder again at its senselessness. I would traverse not once more, but often, the hell of my inner being.”

― Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf

THE RESISTANCE BETWEEN HERE AND THERE

One of the things that had been haunting me was that I hadn’t done two things:

1. Reached out to booking agents

2. Done anything at all for the album and vinyl artwork

I had these things on my list at the beginning of the year, and, somehow, my year got so busy that I just never got around to doing them.

Or rather, I became too busy. And then the longer I didn’t do them, the deeper the resistance set in.

That’s the worst thing about resistance.

You know it’s something you could at least try to do, but something holds you back.

For me, I told myself that I was afraid that I wouldn’t find a booking agent, that I was afraid of the rejection and what that would mean for me…surely, it would spell the end of my life as a touring musician.

The reality is different though.

I was blocked because I had to get it clear that I still wanted to tour.

Because that’s the thing:

You have to find it in yourself again — especially as you get older.

That was what broke out of my little breakdown. I rediscovered the knowledge that I really wanted to play live again.

It didn’t matter where, the size of the venue, or if anyone was there.

I had to do it for me.

Imagine all that you wish you could be.

Between you and there, there’s a whole universe of challenges. Everyone says “just start”.

But it’s only good for beginners.

The greater journey as you progress in your creative life is staying close to your innermost driver.

I rediscovered that.

Yes, I want to do this even if I’m on a pillar at the edge of the earth and there’s nothing but hell and damnation all around.

Okay brother, good answer…now what?

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TWO MAJOR BREAKTHROUGHS

And so, armed with that knowledge, I got to work.

I have two wonderful bits of news to share, guys.

First, a booking agent is attached again to the project. It is hard to say humbled, happy and thankful I am.

After a long period when I’ve been professionally in the wilderness, this is like finding my compass.

It is early days, so I am not ready to announce, other than to you guys, my core supporters.

Somehow, I will get this musical project on the road again. What began as a dream when I started writing this album, is slowly taking first shape.

Remember:

The road between potential and actualisation is a long one. But just because a dream is not yet concrete, doesn’t mean it doesn’t have the capacity to be so. A dream has its own nature, and sometimes it is your job to be its vessel.

The second is that I am working with an extraordinary collage artist in the US on the vinyl artwork.

I was so nervous before reaching out. When I did,I explained that part of the reason for doing so is that I have my own dreams of doing collage, and I was a bit afraid of offsetting that dream.

But this artist is just so talented, and the decision feels so right.

First of all, artistically, because I’m so pumped about what he’s already making.

But secondly, and this is important:

You have to start extracting stuff.

If you imagine all you wish you could be, does it land on a certain dream — a certain goal?

The trouble with modern life is that it distracts and pulls you in every single direction.

Yes, I could go out and buy collage materials. Damn, one day I hope to do so!

But when I imagine what I would like to be — in regards to music — there is one clear vision.

And that vision means more time for music itself.

It’s already a given that life will find ways to get in the way again, no matter how clear I am on the outcome.

The question is:

What can I remove to clear the way for the outcome I dream?

This is not just my story, though — this is the work every creative faces. In a world where all over the Substack and Instagram

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THE BOTTOM LINE:

Imagine you could be all you wish to be.

Between them are two vector points: the present and the future goal — or as I rather imagine it, the potential version of yourself that is calling you.

The reason that this dream so often feels so challenging is that you have not yet arrived at the potential version of you that has already become it.

That version is only going to be made by how you react — often under duress or pressure, along the way.

If you’ve got a little lost — please, take a moment not to drive further into the dark.

Sometimes what you have to do is own the vector point of this moment now.

That is the only place you can ever orient yourself.

To do that, you need to:

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1. Name Your Next Move

Write down one specific thing that’s been haunting you — the thing you keep avoiding.
Don’t overthink it.
Just define it clearly.
Clarity helps dissolve resistance.

• for me it was the tour & the vinyl

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2. Remove One Obstacle

Ask yourself: What can I take away to clear the way?
It might be something you’ve committed to that no longer fits. Or an impediment to your energy.

• i’ve said “no” to some client work

• no to alcohol

• paused my Patreon & Instagram

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3. Recommit to the Central Driver

Tomorrow, before you do anything: spend half an hour connecting to why you’re doing this. Throw out the old plan, and make a new one - but simpler. Don’t make it too vast. Just get back to what the habit of doing the thing you love looks like.

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4. Begin the Habit Flow Again

To do the thing you want, you have to start doing the thing you want again. When you’re blocked, it can feel a world away, so just start small & try to get a first session in.

• for me, it’s been playing music first, every day, two weeks into the new habit!

• if you’re blocked, make it 10 minutes

My project has come a long way since I moved into Mahalla, determined that I will write one more song in this life.

I have completed my album.

More significantly, though, I have burrowed down into the basement of my being, and recovered my musical heart.

This has not been a straight line, but a rocky road that has pulled me off course so many times along the way.

This week, I course-corrected.

You will get blocked, and you will lose your way.

But you will find it again, too.

You start by:

Imagining you could be all you wish to be.

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MUSICAL THING

Hi guys, as I try to get myself going musically, I thought I’d share something raw and honest on my iphone — one take, no editing. I want the feeling to be that you’re sitting next to me.

Let me know if you like the idea of this as a series by dropping a comment. If you have a certain song you’d like, feel free to request to!

LOVE IN THE FACE OF FEAR (iphone)

LOVE IN THE FACE OF FEAR (studio)

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FOR PAID SUBSCRIBERS

You can hear a version of “Waiting for the Gods” here: